Step Yo Game Up

March 4th, 2007 Posted by V

I discovered Jesus in a punk bar in the LES. He makes zines and his logo is a cock. He was sitting in the graffiti covered shithole crust punk bar along the windows. He was the only black person in the bar and while most of the other guys were missing one or both front teeth, he was dressed like a gentleman in ironed khakis, tucked in dress shirt and business shoes.

He had a sketchbook and was explaining to the grimey bike messengers how he loved cock; drawing cock that is. His sketchbook was a treasure trove of the most obscure, filthy outsider art I’ve ever seen. Mythical creatures wielding huge cocks that wrapped around the pages like serpents. David LaChapelle would have blushed and John Waters would have commissioned him on the spot.

I was mesmerized, but my entourage desired to depart. Do not worry, I did not leave without a souvenir. I purchased one of his Kinko’s bound zines entitled How to Shovel UR Foot Up in the Devil’s S. featuring a cover of a huge-breasted, ghetto bootied George Bush as the Devil.

I actually did not realize he was the Messiah incarnate til’ I settled in for a good read back at the hotel. Unfortunately, it was not a zine of fucked up drawings as I had hoped. Instead it was a collection of weird psuedo-religious ramblings written in half stolen Bible speak, and half poorly translated English (the author was South African). I will now share my favorite passage. You may want to have a seat for this.

“Sausagehead” is a guy who doesn’t have his mind set up on one thing, he says one thing and then does the other. He cannot make up his mind on what he wants to do, because he’s unstable in all his ways. He acts as though he can fight, whereas he’s the biggest coward there ever was. He thinks that he’s slick, but he always gets caught up in his own lies. Whenever you are around “Sausagehead” there’s always a bad smell proceeding from him, because he constantly farts when he’s around people. His breath doesn’t smell too good, and he can care less whether people are offended or not. He always likes for the tv station to only be on what he wants to watch, because he is selfish, self-centered and very greedy. He (Sausagehead) can literally look upon a hot plate of stove as red as it is, and even if you tell him it’s hot he shouldn’t touch it or else he would get hurt: he would do it anyhow. “Sausagehead” is an ignorant son of a gun. We all know that guns don’t have children, but that’s the best way to explain/reveal “Sausagehead”. He hates correction, and neither does he take advice from anybody. He considers himself a genius, but that’s all in his head. He has no regard for GOD, and therefore; because of the stubbornness of his heart: the day of Judgement stands waiting for him. This also reveals the meaning of his other nickname other than “Sausagehead”, called Sir Shizzle Monizzle. All the sausageheadedness of “Sausagehead” is being exposed in this entire book. This book “Sausagehead” is not only a masterpiece, it is both a supernatural thriller and a spiritual comedy intended to entertain, and to guide people who don’t want anything to do with “Sausagehead”.

In synopsis, South African missionaries are batshit crazy and awesome and Jehovah’s Witnesses need to take a lesson and step their game up.

Tagged: batshit crazy, God, religion, Satan